5 Healthyish Things, a special V-Day issue for healthier relationships ❤️

My wife and I have been together for nearly 15 years. Over that time, we’ve been to couples therapy multiple times—whether it was about career stress or navigating the chaos/joy/reality of being parents. We’re both very stubborn, so having a neutral third party to help mediate has been huge for us. We found a couples therapist in Austin we like, and I’ve become a big fan of couples therapy. 

In fact, one company I became an early advisor to is Ours. They’ve now mostly pivoted into HIPAA-compliant pixel-tracking (long story), but to start they were reinventing couples therapy with very cool programming, group sessions, card decks, and more (and getting great praise for it, too). I think more innovative models should exist, especially for people who don't want to sit on a couch and spill their feelings in the traditional way!

Because most couples benefit from therapy. Seventy-five percent of couples say therapy improves their relationship, and those who go through Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) report significantly higher intimacy and relationship harmony. But here’s the problem: Most couples wait six years (!) after relationship problems start before seeking professional help. Waiting only leads to resentment, which, to me, is the worst. 🙅🏻‍♂️

It’s true therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Research shows it’s much less effective when one partner has already checked out (which sadly occurs a lot). If couples therapy isn’t your thing yet (but a healthy relationship is), check out the Gottman Institute—they’ve got a great newsletter and tons of solid resources for all things related to couples. Or, this Valentine’s Day, even just ask your partner these semi-famous 36 questions.

(Don’t have a partner? Therapy isn’t just for couples, obviously. Isn’t the most important relationship you have the one you have with yourself?)

Alright, let's talk about love languages. The concept comes from Dr. Gary Chapman's book The 5 Love Languages, and, basically, the idea is that people give and receive love in different ways, and knowing what you want and what your partner wants can help improve your relationship. 

Based on Chapman's book, these are the five love languages:

• Words of affirmation (Think: Leaving little notes, saying thank you)

• Acts of service (Think: Making your partner coffee, doing the laundry)

• Receiving gifts (Think: Thoughtful presents that show love and appreciation)

• Quality time (Think: Undivided attention—like couples’ vacations, more on that below)

• Physical touch (Think: Hugs, holding hands, cuddling)

Is it real? IDKID. Science is limited, but there is one study that shows couples who expressed affection in the way their partner preferred reported feeling more satisfied in their relationship and sex life compared to those who didn’t. (Though a subsequent study debunked those findings.) Science or no science, the concept clearly resonates with a lot of people (me included) and remains super sticky.

Full disclosure: My wife and I never actually read the book. 🫣 But we’ve figured out our love languages on our own. Mine? Quality time and physical touch. Hers? Quality time and gifts. 

Though words of affirmation were a big deal to my wife early on in our relationship, therapists say love languages can change over time as your needs in the relationship evolve—good to know. So I’m all about those flowers and unexpected surprises (like this bath pillow I just bought that she loves!). In any case, knowing your partner’s love language can help you show up for your partner in a way that makes them feel valued and loved. (Oh, and love languages aren’t just for romantic relationships—they also play a role in friendships.)

Not sure what your love language is? There’s a quiz for that. 😉

My wife and I recently left for the weekend to San Antonio for our fifth wedding anniversary. No kids, just quality alone time. We went to dinner (I highly recommend Ladino if you’re ever in the area), caught a basketball game (go Heat!), and kicked off the next morning with a long River Walk. It was great. And it felt wonderful to get away, just the two of us. Aaand unsurprisingly, there’s evidence showing that vacationing with your partner is linked to higher relationship satisfaction. 

A pair of 2024 studies found when partners vacation together, their relationship may experience a boost in relationship satisfaction and romantic passion, suggesting stepping away from routines might encourage physical connection. The research also showed romantic partners who shared more “self-expanding activities” while vacationing (aka trying something new together) reported more physical intimacy post-vacation.

This is why I’m calling it now: Couples retreats will be the next health flex (a trend I talked about in my last newsletter). Basically, it’s like sending a Bat Signal that you’ve got a strong relationship. The New York Times even recently reported on a slew of retreats that promise to improve your sex life. I’ve heard Esalen is good (but also strange?), and Miraval is a popular one here in Austin.

Of course, I get that not everyone can swing a bougie couple's retreat—or even a weekend away—whether it’s a lack of time, funds, or childcare. My wife and I try doing date nights every week (which often ends up being every two weeks.) We strongly believe building our relationship is really important even amidst (or because of) the craziness of having young kids. 

In doing that, we've found that it's less about how many vacations we take or dates we go on but the quality of them. (More ideas for quality time below!)

My wife and I are trying not to watch TV at night. (Though we did love the latest season of Shrinking.) Like a lot of couples in the early COVID days, we turned to board games. And it's been a total game-changer for our quality time. (See what I did there?)

Interestingly enough, science says game night can be good for your relationship. Thanks for all the backup here, science! 😄 A study found couples who play board together experience a surge of oxytocin (aka “the love hormone”), leading to greater empathy, trust, and positive communication. Plus, when couples played board games in a new setting versus a familiar one, they released even more oxytocin. (Adding to the list of reasons you should get away together.)

And there’s more—research found playfulness between partners is linked to greater relationship satisfaction. Are board games the secret to everlasting love? Er, probably not. But they are a fun and low-key way to spend quality time together—whether it’s with your partner, friends, or that one person who takes winning way too seriously (looking at you, Jordan). Plus, it's better than watching Netflix until the "Are you still watching?" message pops up. 

Our two-person board game recommendations:

• Sequence. A classic!

• Parks. Probably my personal fav, with apparently the 2nd edition now on its way! Gorgeous, too.

• Codenames: Duet. Though TBH this one’s more fun with four people.

• Ticket to Ride. I learned there’s a whole series, actually—including Paris, the Old West, and even Nordic Countries?

• Hearts. An oldie, but a goodie. We always bring a deck of cards when we travel.

In the beginning of our relationship, I didn't give my wife flowers. Rookie mistake. 😅

Turns out, she really appreciates them, and it really makes her feel thought of. While both of us tend to be a bit skeptical of your classic schmaltzy stuff, honestly flowers always hit. Plus, they’re more than a meaningful gift—there's actually pretty solid research about how getting flowers can positively impact emotional well-being. 

A Rutgers University study found people who receive flowers get an instant mood boost and feel less anxious and depressed over time. Other research (because apparently, flower studies on mental health are a whole thing?!) shows that getting and living with flowers can lower stress levels, increase energy, and strengthen feelings of compassion. 

To me, gifting flowers to my wife is a win-win for both of us. (But, as Miley Cyrus reminds us all, you don’t need a partner to buy them.)

• Haven’t tried it, but people seem to be flocking toward aphrodisiac chocolate? 🍫🔥

• RFK Jr. got confirmed as Head of Health & Human Services. Let the games begin?

• I found this guide to picking things up without hurting your back excellent (because I needed it).

• The Super Bowl featured lots of GLP-1 commercials. A new era for sure. (Plus, to be more on theme for this newsletter—did you see the When Sally Met Hellmann’s ad?)

• Finally, I couldn't agree more with Chrissy Farr that there’s a massive, untapped opportunity in women’s health longevity.